It was a year ago that the family had gathered to be with Val before her passing. While wonderful to have all of us together, I think many of the memories and repercussions of that are sweeping through is all now. How can it be a year? Why am I still so raw? (Lots and lots of one 2,000 boulders among everyone of us!) New babies coming into this family, a new son in law in 35 days... Val never met any of them on THIS side of Heaven. Now that concept is very hard to fathom.
I drove past my grandparents house in Salt Lake City yesterday. They been gone about 21 and 23 years now. My love for them is still very tender and fresh. They were aged and it was ok that they moved through to the hereafter. Val's youth is still a shock to all of us, even though we had fair warning and we all knew how awful her cancer was.
So it appears there's some pretty tough, very real "things" among my family that are leeching out; loss, missing, sorry, grief, pain, reality, immortality, human condition/experience and a life without Ganah... Mom... Val. Add to is are everyday toils and stresses of what life hands everybody and you've got a very large stone in your way.
I've said that when I stop thinking about myself and try to help someone who may need a lift, that I feel better. I've said that my happiness belongs to me. I've said that to work at being healthy, fit, go for a walk, lift some weights, get active, those endorphins will do some good... Well lately, that darn stone makes me want to pull the covers up. Keep the shades down. Disconnect every plug and cord in my life. Attempting to be more social is a mask. A gruesome mask at that. There's been times when it's all I can do to breath and not let the flood of my tears wash my cheeks with their salty pain. I'm embarrassed to have to admit all this, you'd think a man who has done all I have done in my life, a man who knows how to be a friend, a man who has been the strength so often and to so many is now reaching into my deepest pocket of faith to figure this out.
While my personal belief system (which is centered on a loving Father in Heaven, who sent His Son to save us all) is firm and sound, my head and heart are aching right now. I thank you for your love, kindness and at this time for my family and I, your prayers.